1 Year...

A year ago my life changed forever. I’m not that same person anymore. I miss that person I was before “it” happened. I miss the person who could lay down and actually sleep at night, who could have a good memory that wasn’t clouded by a deep sadness and sense of loss.

When you lose someone traumatically, or unexpected or “ too soon” there are lots of things that change. The person you once were is no longer there. You have to find the “ new you” this new person is foreign and so unfamiliar. You will both love her and hate her. You will hate the heaviness, grief, guilt, and unbearable sadness that come with her. You will hate her for this new cloud that follows this “new you” around. Everywhere. Literally everywhere. In the good times the most. The seemly small moments that you start to feel a sense of joy in... then BAM. This new you shows through and thinks “ Wow my lost loved one would love this”. From there it’s just a spiral of emotions all over again. You will also love her at times. You will love her for her strength. So. Much. Strength. Even on the days you feel your weakest, you will realize those are also the days you’re also the strongest. Those are the times where you see your new self get up, get dressed, get the baby dressed, go to work, do the normal things, the things that seem so mundane but take the most effort. These are the days that hurt the most and you just want to give up and hide under the covers. But you don’t, you get up, you show up, and you realize that even on the hardest days, the days you feel the weakest, those are the days you are the strongest, and you love your new self for that. 

Anther big change is that everything you do changes. Like everything. From holidays, and Birthday celebrations, all the way to enjoying a sunny day. It changes. Because there is a cloud over it all. A sense of “ Something is missing” and something is. That “something” is really someone and their leaving left such a huge hole. One your whole being is telling you needs filled. But there is only one person who can fill that void, and they’re gone. 

This is just a small glimpse into your life when you lose someone. Many things change. Way more than I’ve explained above. But one thing a year doesn’t change: The pain, the grief, the hurt, and the heartbreak. It’s all there still. It’s right there, it hasn’t gone anywhere, it hasn’t moved an inch. It’s RIGHT THERE. It’s there and it’s the same as the day it happened. 

So if you’ve experienced a loss like this. If this is how you are feeling and you’re wondering when it will let up. When you will just have a little bit of relief from the pain. I can’t promise you that time changes it. I can’t promise you that in a year you’ll be better. But what I can promise you is that you aren’t alone. I’ve been there, I AM THERE. And I can promise you that there are other people out there that feel the same way as we do.